A Day in the Life of Me

Oh boy. How can I begin to describe my life since my last post?

The boy and I got back together in May. And six months later he broke my heart again. More on that later.

Very shortly after the boy and I got back together, I headed for Vermont. Good Lord, how I loved it. Not only is Lochearn a gorgeous place to spend a summer, but I met some of the most amazing people.

Niketa, an Aussie, became my sister, almost literally. Not long after the summer began, campers would ask is we were sisters, leave it to a child not to realize how improbable it was. But in spirit, Niketa is my sister.

Jen, the daughter of the directors. We were partners in crime, she and I. Sometimes our conversations were absolutely inappropriate, but so much fun. She helped blow off a lot of steam.

Morgan, the hippie. I’ve never known anyone like Morgan. She is funny and kind and amazing. A kindred spirit. Many a night, she, Jen, and I would sit on Thistle porch and laugh. She and I found our first common ground in our love of Simon and Garfunkle tunes. I can’t count the number of times Joe would sit with us on the porch, strumming the songs on his guitar while Morgan and I sang.

Erin, the fellow Michigander and Buffy fanatic. Erin and I talked Buffy…a lot. And we talked writing, and Michigan, and everything under the sun. A lot of times, we attracted weird stares after one of us would make an obscure Buffy reference and then both burst into loud, raucous laughter. Including and incident with cheese.

I can’t list every person at Lochearn who touched my life, it would take too long. But I left there changed…for the better. And I’m counting down the days until next summer.

The boy. I mentioned before that the boy broke my heart again…except he didn’t. About a month after I got back from Lochearn, he decided that the distance was too much. There was very little ceremony to our break-up. No screaming matches, no pleading with him to stay (I can’t bring myself to beg someone to love me. It’s tacky.), no long, drawn out confessionals. A ten minute phone call and we were over. Afterwards I cried for a little while, and then Aryn came from Holland and we watched Caddyshack. I laughed, we had a good time. Did I mention it was a Tuesday night? She’s too good to me sometimes.

The next morning I fully expected to wake up sad, melancholy, or at the very least not chipper. But…I was happy. In a surprisingly good mood. Chipper. Peachy, with a side of keen (and there go the obscure Buffy references again).

Maybe it took me a second round to realize that the boy is not THE boy. He’s just A boy. Not the boy I’m supposed to be with forever. Not the boy who deserves my heart. Not a man. Just a boy.
I’m not bitter. I’m not mad. I wish him every happiness. We haven’t spoken in the month since our break-up, but maybe someday we will. Maybe someday we can actually be friends. That’s kind of getting towards a lot of maybes, but one can never know.

I’m in a good place. I’m coaching again, and I love those girls. School is hard, but I’m making it. I’m enjoying life. Verging on thriving even. Yeah, thriving.

So, there's this boy.

And there's this girl (who's me).

And for two years I've been trying to get him out of my head, because the last time we were together he broken my heart into so many tiny pieces I wasn't sure it would ever mend. Every time I thought I could take off teh bandage and let my heart breath, something happened that ripped open the wound that had only begun to heal.

But now, things have changed. Things are good. Me and the boy are talking and things are moving forward. He's admitted he wants to be with me, but the distance is hard for both of us. We've been seeing each other each and every time he comes home to visit. We've got three or four dates already lined up once he gets home. He's coming to visit me in Vermont this summer.

Things are going well, but I'm so scared. I'm so unbelievably terrified that if I let myself remember how much I love him, he'll break my heart again. I'm not sure I can handle losing him again.

But God, I love him so much. I never really stopped, and I never really forgot.

...little darlin, here comes the sun!

I LOVE this weather! I can't even begin to describe the change in my mood since the sun came out and the temperature started to rise.

I'm a summer girl, I always have been. I thrive when the weather is warm and school is out. I work hard I play hard, and I just enjoy life. So much more so than winter. For most of the winter months I feel like I'm living my life in a haze, not really knowing or caring what's going on, but when summer hits ooh baby! I totally change. And I love it!

I can't wait to go to the beach. And believe it or not, I can't wait to go sailing. Yes, Ronnie talked me into it. I'm excited and terrified at the same time. Terrified because sailing has always been a huge fear of mine, even though I've been living my life around the water since...well my whole life. So really I shouldn't be scared, but I am. Excited though, because I'm facing my fear. I tried it once before, two summers ago I guess it was, but only because I was pushed into it by my family. And I didn't get over my fear. But this time, I'm ready. I'm ready to face it head on. Hopefully.

Here comes the sun!!! Enjoy it!

Okay, so I found my title quote online while trying to fine the perfect quote to sum up my spring break experience...and this was it.

My mom and I drove to my grandpa's house in PA and left our car there, taking the train in to NYC. I can't even begin to describe the feeling that spread through me as I walked out of Penn Station. It was excitement and trepidation.

The moment I stepped into the bright sunlight of a Sunday afternoon, I knew...I knew that I belonged. New York city had me in it's grip before I had even been there, and visiting it only cemented my desire to live there.

The city is beautiful, full of a mixture of old and new that is mind blowing. Seeing Ellis Island and the Statue of Liberty, walking across the Brooklyn Bridge...it all created such a sense of awe in me. The first day or so, I was completely overwhelmed. I didn't know where to go first, what to do or see. I could've spent ten years in New York and not done or seen everything I wanted to.

After a little while though, walking the streets, riding the subways, and finding things to do only seemed natural. I felt like I was running through my own personal playground. I felt like I was home.

I can't wait to move there. I know that before I left, my grandmother, and even my dad(though he won't admit it) were hoping that this trip would make me change my mind about living in New York after college. That it would be too big, too crowded, or too dirty for me to want to live there. Well too bad. They're kicking themselves now, because all this trip did was reinforce my desire to be a New Yorker.

I belong to New York.

Good song, the one in my title. I like it a lot.

Anyway, Valentine's day is over. Sad face. Because even though I'm single and sometimes feel obligated to say the token "Valetine's is such a stupid hallmark holiday" I can't do it. I've been single for more Valentine's days than I've been in a relationship, but I still love the holiday. I don't know why. But I can't bring myself to hate it.

Now, I'm not one of those that goes all out crazy. When I do happen to be in a relationship for this splendid little holiday, I don't need my guy to go all out. I don't need tons of flowers or expensive gifts, or a nice dinner. Just some time would be nice.

Don't think because I love this holiday I don't have issues with it. I would rather get one single rose, or a sweet little card, on a random Wednesday afternoon than a donzen roses and an expensive dinner on Valentine's day. I don't want my guy to feel obligated to be romantic, I'd rather it be spontaneous and come from the heart.

Maybe all this has something to do with the huge hopeless romantic in me?

It's official, Kalamazoo is now my home. It's no longer a place I stay while I'm at school because guess what?

I'm staying right here this summer.

I'm so excited that It talked my mother into it. And I know most people think that a twenty year old has no business asking persmission from their parents anymore, but I do. See, they control me because they control my money. They pay for my education, they pay half my rent, they pay my utilities, and occasionally they pay for gas. So really, I do have to ask their permission, because I wouldn't make it if I had to pay all these things on my own.

Anyway, my mother said yes! It took a lot of frustrated sighs and "mother"s from me, but I talked her into it. Of course, I had to promise to come home on my days off, but that's fine. Totally fine. I don't mind going home, it's staying there for long periods of time that drive me crazy.

Honestly, sometimes I feel like my mom depends more on me than I do on her. She's so desperately needy, and I think that its mostly because she's alone in our big old house Monday through Friday. My Dad travels so much that she gets lonely. I feel bad for her, but I can't spend the rest of my life doing what she wants me to do. I just can't live that way.

Thanks to Joss Whedon once again for my title. It's the name of a season 7 Buffy episode. The actual content of the episode has nothing to do with my post, but the title itself fits.

Do you ever feel like you wake up and wonder where your life's gone? Like a day or a week, or even a month or year, passed you by and you didn't even realize it?

I've felt like this more and more lately. I feel like i've done nothing exciting or adventurous or worthwhile these past few weeks. I realised today that there's one more day to January, and I can't remember what I've done so far this year.

I talk to friends that I don't see on a regular basis and they ask "How are things going?" My answer? Fine. Things are fine. They're not bad, but...well they aren't great either. I really have nothing in my life to complain about, I have nothing that I am truly in need of that I can't get, I'm healthy (relatively anyway), I have good friends, so why am I so empty feeling?

Something's missing. Something I can't put my finger on. I have no purpose in life right now, no direction. I need some. I need God to give somewhere to go right now. I need something to happen that forces me out of this stupor I'm in.

I don't know how to fix this. I feel like I'm watching my life pass me by, and I want to be in my life. I want to actively participate in my life. Isn't that how it's supposed to be?

I want purpose. Can you give me some?

Tonight was absolutely one of the most emotionally draining nights of my life.

To say I simply cried would be a gross understatement. I sobbed, for a solid forty minutes.

I realized tonight (which is what triggered the water works) that there are some things about myself that I need to change, for my own health and well being.

It's hard for me to talk about this, because I like to live in this happy state of total denile. But really, I am overweight. I used to try not to think about it, just to be happy with the way I was...but I'm not. I'm not happy with myself, not because I don't have self-confidance, but because I am unhealthy.

My family, especially my father's side, has been plagued with health problems for generations; heart disease, diabetes, asthma, etc. I already have the asthma. I'm afraid to continue living the way I do, because what if I'm one of those people that has a heart attack at 30? I do not want that.

Tonight was a wake up call. I tried on a dress that I'd worn almost exactly a year ago, and it didn't fit. One of my New Years resolutions was to lose weight. I pretty much say that every year, but tonight made this year's resolution more like a requirement. I'm not going to say that I will get to a certain weight, or a certain dress size, but I am going to lose weight.

It's not an option.

First off...Happy New Year!!! I hope everyone got their kisses at midnight!

New Year's is always a time for reflection, a time to look back on an entire year of your life and think about all that came with it, both the good and the bad. That said, my 2007 was a pretty good year.

Recently, I started hanging out and talking with someone who I haven't spoken to in a long time, and that makes me happy. I moved into a new apartment with the two best roommates I could ever ask for. I've made a lot of new friends, I've challenged myself to do things I never thought possible, and I've achieved one of my major life goals.

I think the highlight of 2007 was publishing my first book. That came out of left field, but it was teh best surprise I could have ever asked for. And it's been a wild ride.

So, for 2008, I've got some resolutions. Doesn't everyone? And I'm determined to stick to them.

1) I will fit into my size 10 jeans by a year from today, hopefully earlier. If I hit my size 10 goal before 2009, then my next goal will be size 8.

2) I will worry less. Seriously, I worry too much. And it will be hard to just chill out, but I can do it. I will continue to ask myself..."does it really matter?"

3) I will not be such a homebody. I mean, I go out and hang out with people, but this year I'm going to do more.

4) I will not anger as easily. It's going to be rough, since a short temper is pretty much in my genes, but I will work on it. I won't get so irritated, and I will keep my cool, ESPECIALLY while I'm driving. I have a tendency to yell at other drivers. The one thing I will allow myself to get angry about is personal space. Seriously, is there any reason for a complete stranger to stand THAT close to me? No.

Those are my resolutions for 2008. I'm determined to stick to them, and I hope all of you are determined to stick to yours.

Have a wonderful 2008! Make the best of it!

I'm pretty sure my title today comes from that 90's cartoon Ren and Stimpy, but I could be wrong...it's been so long.

So, my pastor in church this morning started out his sermon saying "God doesn't want you to be happy, I'm sorry, but it's true." I wondered where the hell he got that from. I'd always believed that God wanted the best for me and all the rest of his children. Wouldn't it be best for us to be happy?

Well, he continued on, telling us that he doesn't want us to be happy, he wants us to be joyful. He wants to bring us joy, not happiness. Which, when I sat back and thought about it, made sense.

But then it made me think about the difference between joy and happiness, is there really one? Is there some list you can write out that says these things make me happy, and these bring me joy? And the hardest part for me...how do you tell the difference? How do I distinguish between the two?

My pastor described it like this: Happiness is when you go out and get a pedicure, or buy a new (insert own wants here), and joy is bigger. It's getting married, it's seeing a miracle, it's accomplishing a goal you'd been working towards for a long time. So when you boil it all down, the difference is happiness is temporary, and joy is lasting. Joy is profound, happiness is shallow. Not shallow like a girl who only cares aboubt the hottest clothes and boys, but shallow like it doesn't even begin to fulfill the potential for emotion each one of us has. Joy does.

So now I've been trying to figure out what in my life brings me joy, and what makes me happy. My pastor was right, a pedicure absolutely makes me happy. A good cup of coffee makes me happy. I new book makes me happy, unless it touches me or makes me realize something about life, then it brings me joy. A good movie makes me happy.

But the things that I think bring me joy really are deeper than that. Seeing my family after being at school for a long time brings me joy, getting my whole family together for a week at the lake brings me joy. Having my book published is still bringing me joy.

So, I feel as though I should continue looking around at what makes me happy, and what brings me joy. Because even though I've listed these things, I'm not positive that I can really, truly distinguish between the two.

Oh, and in case this is my last post, I want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas. :)

The inspiration for my title today came from the fifth season Buffy episode of the same name. I'll say it again, Joss Whedon's a genius.

Anyway, at ten o'clock this morning I feel like the weight of the world was lifted from my shoulders. At ten a.m., I finished my third semester at Western, and now I have three entire weeks with absolutely NOTHING to worry about. I can read, I can write (finally, thank God!), and I can sleep. Ah sleep, how I've missed you.

I feel like the past week or two I've been totally catatonic. I've been really stressed with exams, water polo, and life. Looking back, I don't even know where the past two weeks went. I don't know what happened, or who I talked to, or what was said. And that kind of makes me sad, because I like to LIVE my life, not drift through it.

But now that so much weight has been lifted, I feel like a new person. Cliche, I know, but it's true. Instead of having tunnel vision, I can see everything. I can enjoy my time with my friends instead of worrying about what I should be doing.

Yay!

Thanks to Billy Joel for my post's title. Awesome song, listen to it if you haven't ever.

Anyway, pressure. Wow, there's a lot of it right now. The semester is winding down, finals start in a few days, water polo is wreaking havoc on my life. Christmas is coming up.

I'm not gonna lie, I feel like my stress is starting to get the better of me. I try not to let it, I try to breath and relax, and have fun with my friends, but it's getting harder and harder. My mother keeps asking if I'm ready for finals. If my grades are going to be good. And I love the woman, but sometimes I just want her to SHUT UP. She's not helping to alleviate my stress.

I mean, in reality I only have two finals that are going to be really, really hard. One will be moderatley difficult, and two will be a piece of cake. But it's those two that are killing me right now.

Why is there always so much pressure on everyone about everything. Be the best, get the best grade,etc. You know? Sometimes I just want to be a hermit. Then there'd be no stress, no pressure, no nothing. Easy living. Ha, yeah right. Nothing is easy anymore.

Ugh, don't mind me, I'm just stressed and I needed an outlet for it. :)

Good luck on finals!!!

Alright guys, this has the potential to be a long one…

I just spent some time perusing Facebook, and I found a group that a friend of mine is in about praying for your future spouse, and about letting God take control. The group intrigued me, so I decided to read some of the discussions. Man, I got sucked in. I must have spent an hour, at least, reading what people had written about their Faith, and about waiting for the person they would marry. Some people talked about saving sex for marriage, others about never dating, and some even about never kissing anyone until their wedding day! These things all got me thinking, as the discussions of others usually do.

First of, I want to explain my opinion about waiting…for anything.

Kissing? Really? A long time ago, during my freshman year of high school, a boy who was once a very dear friend of mine recommended a book to me. It was called “I Kissed Dating Goodbye.” I started to read it, but couldn’t finish. I so totally disagreed. There were a few chapters that talked about people waiting to have their first kiss until their wedding day. I couldn’t believe it. Because it blurs the line between being very, very close friends and being in an actual relationship. Part of a relationship is not only the emotional and spiritual parts, but also physical. I’m not saying that you have to sleep with every person you date, but there does have to be a physical attraction, and how can you know if there really, truly is without being at least a little physical?

Dating. Okay, so there were people both in the group and in the book that talked about not dating, and it blew my mind. I mean, ask and I’ll be the first one to tell you that dating sucks. I hate it, it’s so awkward, you’re not really in a relationship, but you kind of are…its just weird. And I can see committing yourself to not casually dating, I suppose, but not ever being in a relationship? I don’t really see how that’s possible. Dating and relationships are good 1) because they teach you what you want in a mate/spouse, and 2) because they teach you how to be in a relationship. They’re all about practice. How can you have a successful marriage if you’ve never experienced a relationship? There’s such a balance you have to achieve between giving and taking, and you have to learn how to love someone in spite of all their faults, and you have to learn to compromise. Relationships teach you (hopefully) how to be a little bit selfless.

Sex. Waiting to have sex until marriage is something that I can stand behind. Seriously. I mean, I don’t think having sex before marriage is wrong, but I can understand people who want to wait. At one time…I did to. And in a perfect world I would wait until I’d found my husband to sleep with him, but in today’s world, that is so hard to do. And, you get to a certain age (I think it’s about mid-twenties) and if you’re still a virgin, people automatically assume there’s either something wrong with you, or you’re a crazy fundamentalist Christian. And I mean, yes, I’m a Christian. I have a strong belief in God, and I try to live the way He wants me too, but I’m not a crazy fundamentalist. So anyway, waiting for sex until marriage is something that I respect in others.

Before I go any farther, I just want to say that I’m not bashing these people that I know nothing about for their beliefs. That is certainly not my aim here, I’m just trying to sort out my thoughts on these issues, and give my opinion.

Now, the next part of this post. There was a lot of talk about having Faith that someday you will find the one you’re meant to be with. And I do believe that God has a man He wants me to marry, and I do have Faith that someday I will find him, but…it’s so hard. It’s hard to see beyond tomorrow. It’s hard to feel like time’s not running out, you know? I mean, I’m not old by any means, almost 20 is still considered young. Come on, I can’t even legally drink yet, but a part of me, deep down inside, is terrified that if I don’t find someone now (or at least soon) I won’t ever.

I want, almost more than anything else, to be a wife and a mother. I know this sounds weird, but I do. I can’t wait until later in life when I have a good job, a good husband, a good home, and a kid or two. Sure, I want to work, and I have very specific goals that I want to achieve in my career, but I also want a family of my own. I want children to care for, and a husband to care for me, and I for him. And I think that because I want it so badly is part of the reason I’m so terrified by not having at least a part of it.

We were talking a lot about this at Young Life last night. We talked about being content with right now, and not worrying about the future, because God has a plan for our lives and we don’t know what it is. And I know that, and I know that I can’t plan every second of my life, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to. Losing control is something that scares the living shit out of me. Now, the conversation wasn’t saying that we shouldn’t plan for anything, but simply that we need to listen to God about where we’re going. He’ll put our path in our hearts, and right out in front of us, if simply we will listen.

So I’ve decided to do a little exercise in giving up control. I’m going to turn my love life over to God, fully and completely. I’m not going to totally stop looking, and I’m certainly not going to go as far as to say I’m not going to be in another relationship until I find “the one” but I am going to trust that God has a plan, and that my future spouse may be in it somewhere down the line, and I’m going to keep my eyes and my heart open to EVERY possibility.

There, I’m done now. Man that was long.

Thanksgiving is tomorrow, and we all know what that means; food, family, and fun...for most of us anyway. So, around this time of year, I always start to think of what I'm thankful for, cause isn't that what you're supposed to do? Here it is:

I'm thankful for my family;
kelsey, jay, and jamie;
my two wonderful roommates Jenna and Natalie;
my health;
my faith;
the opportunity to go to college and
the chance to be anything I want to be.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!!!!

I've been thinking a lot lately about people. About the changes they go through and the lives they lead.

It's been over a year since I graduated high school. When I see people that I went to high school with, it throws me. Because even though it's only been about a year, it's such an important year that hardly anyone is exactly the same. Sometimes its small, subtle changes to a person. Maybe they're a little more confidant, or a little more poised. Maybe they're a little less sheltered.

But then there are the people that change a lot. The people who's entire personality or value system has changed. I think it's the freedom of college that changes people.Some can't handle it and they crumble, some flourish.

I see these people that I went to high school with, and I see how they've changed, and it throws me. I can't believe sometimes they're the same person.

And that makes me wonder...am I so different than I was?

I haven't noticed any big changes, but hardly anyone does, unless they're incredibly self-aware. I've been trying to see places in my life or my personality that have changed, even the slightest bit, and I can't see much. I mean sure, I think I've grown, but that doesn't always equal change.

So my question seems to be...does everyone change?

Okay, so Halloween is pretty much my favorite holiday. Ever. I love it, I love the weather, I love the atmosphere, I love everything about it. And since Halloween is on a Wednesday this year, my favorite holiday lasts for almost an entire week, at least in college. This weekend was full of costume mandatory parties. And what fun they were! Well, not so much the one on Friday night, but whatever.

My favorite part of Halloween is dressing up. As Joss Whedon once put it through the words of my favorite heroine, Buffy Summers, its "Come as you aren't" night. It's a night where you get to be anyone you want, anyone you ever dreamed you could be. You can throw caution to the wind and be something totally daring.

This year, I FINALLY got to embody not only my favorite cartoon character, but also my favorite actress. I was Daphne from Scooby Doo, who I've been trying to be for going on 4 years now. Finally I worked it out, and it turned out fantastically! As some of you may know, Daphne was played, in the two most recent Scooby Doo movies by Sarah Michelle Gellar. And if you couldn't tell by my Buffy refrences, she's my hero.

I digress, but this is all why I love Halloween. You can be anyone you want! So, my challenge to all of you is this: If you don't have a costume yet, choose one that's daring. Choose to be someone completely opposite from who you really are. And have fun with it!!!

Thanks to  Steven Dietz's adaptation of Dracula for my title today. :) 

Anyway, this is mostly to praise my wonderful roommates. I just got home from seeing Jenna in the previously mentioned Dracula, and can I just say...FREAKIN' FANTASTIC. Everything about this show was amazing, from the acting, to the make-up. Jenna was beautiful and sexy as Lucy, and I cna't believe I have such a talented roommate. 

Now Natalie. I saw her in Stonewater Rapture about a week ago, and Oh. My. God. She made me cry. Weep even. The four person show was amazing, and desperately sad. And Natalie was gorgeous. My God! How am I so lucky to be surrounded by such talented people??

I love my roomies.

My Muse has left the building folks. 

Yup, she's gone. I have no idea where she went; she didn't leave a note, or an itinerary. I hate it when that happens. I have this incredible urge to write, really I do, but when I sit down to put the words on paper...nothing comes out. Nada. So, I've decided that I need inspiration. 

I think part of the problem is that at this point in the story, my main character's life is going down the tubes. Shit's hittin' the fan, and things are getting really tense. But in my life, things are going great! I mean, I've got great roommates, a great house, pretty good classes, wonderful friends, and Im not really lacking anything (except a job, but hopefully that will soon change). I couldn't be happier with my life right now, and that means I can't draw on much to write about. 

I've started watching the most heart-wrenching episodes of every season of every show I have on DVD. I've been watching the saddest movies I've got. And maybe it's helping, but maybe it's not. I guess it'll just take some time. 

Oh Muse, where are you??

Sorry, no entertaining inspiration for today's title. 

Can I just start out by saying I hate money?? Everything costs something. What led me to this conclusion? Well, my idol, Sarah Michelle Gellar, was recently featured in Self Magazine. When I saw her on the cover, I snatched up the mag and read the article. A big chucnk of it talked about her charity work, which includes Habitat For Humanity, and the Make-A-Wish Foundation. Well, her newest organization, which she is the new spokesperson for, is called Care Corporation. Its goal is to educate and empower women, and help end poverty. She talked in it about her trip to Guatemala, and it reignited a fire somewhere deep inside me. 

I love doing international volunteer work. I LOVE it, even though I've only done it once. In 2005 I took a trip with my church to teh Dominican Republic, where we helped to build homes and finish a children's camp. And it was the best week of my life, because I was doing something for someone else, and I saw their faces when their houses were done. I saw the little kids come running up to us each morning. I saw a mother cry because her house now had a cement floor.  You know how much it cost me to give back like that? $1500. 

Back to Sarah Michelle Gellar and what she has to do with this post. I started looking at the website for her charity and was really inspired. Their causes are great, and I can go for a week and still make an impact. Plus, I can do things I love, like spend time with little kids, teaching English, helping educate women, helping communities prepair for natural disasters. I found a few programs through them that I feel really passionant about, but guess what? Grand total= $1600. I hate that money can keep me from doing something I'm passionant about. 

Same thing happenes in the summers. What I really want to do is spend a semester abroad, or do a longer volunteer program. BUt if I do that, I can't have a job, and that means I can't pay rent. Therefore, I can't do it. Ugh. Frustrated!!! Oh well, I suppose I'll find a way to work it out someday. Hopefully.

I'm sure it's said hundreds, maybe thousands of other places, but I got my title for this post from Julia Roberts in "My Best Friends Wedding." God I love that movie. It's great. But anyway, I digress.

The roomies and I were talking about relationships yesterday, more specifically marriage, and it's been weighing on my mind ever since. Relationships scare the shit out of me. They really do. And whoever originally called it "yucky love stuff" was so right. I mean, relationships are messy. Even if you're doing everything right, relationships are messy, because love is messy. It's such a complex emotion. How else could you love and hate someone at the same time? And I happen to know that it is possible to do that. To make a relationship work, you've got to get your hands dirty. That was one of the most important things we talked about. All relationships take work. Lots and lots of work. And it's hard, and at times it isn't fun, but the end result is worth it...right? Especially if you make it work? So yeah, relationships scare me. 

But what scares me even more is the prospect of being alone. I hate being alone. I mean, there's different kinds of alone. Physically alone, and emotionally alone. I mean, I'm hardly ever alone. I've got the best friends anyone could ask for. They listen to me, they confide in me, we laugh, we play, we have deep talks. I love my friends, and I know they're always there for me. But I'm still alone. I've got no one to share my life with. No boy to call my own. I'm not saying that I need a man to be happy, I don't. I'm happy now. But it would be nice to have someone. Someone who'll kiss me hard the second I walk in the room, just because he missed me. Someone who'll love what I love, just because I love it. Someone who'll just hold me. I sound pathetic, I know. I swear to you I'm not. I'm not one of those girls that goes around moping because she doesn't have a boyfriend. But I do get lonely sometimes, everyone does. It's human nature to want a companion, someone to share life with. A mate, in the simplest terms possible.  

Joss Whedon, the genius responsible for Buffy the Vampire Slayer, once wrote into a script that  "loneliness is about the scariest thing there is." And it's true, second (or very possibly tied) with the only remedy to loniless...a relationship. I can't help but laugh that the remedy for something that strikes fear in all our hearts, is just as scary. How do we get over that? We don't. We bite the bullet and take the plunge. We trust. We have faith in those around us, and the people we choose to be with. What else can we do? There's no sure way to ease the fear of being alone, or of being with someone. 

And it all comes down to that yucky love stuff.